Friday, August 29, 2008

One of those days...

So I am having one of those days where i think...Did i take my medication this morning?
I mean seriously, i feel like i could tear someones head off, and scream, and cry, and collapse, and need to be held, and want to eat milk and cookies...or drink a bottle of wine all by myself...all at the same time. I am struggling with so many emotions. Some I am sure are legitimate responses and the others...not so sure.
I feel overlooked, left out, unwanted. Sometimes I feel bothersome and annoying and obsurd.
Then on the otherhand I feel unheard, unused and over used all at the same time by different people.
I am having a hard time creating my NO! I am having a hard time not being bitter and wearing my feelings on my sleeve.
Why dont I matter?
What arent my needs and wants considered?
Why is my time unimportant?
Why are my desires ridiculous?
Why does no one ask my my desires in the first place?
Why are relationships so difficult?
Why does my mother hate me?
Why is it that I am supposed to drop everything?
Why am I not worth protecting or fighting for?
Why does my husband talk down to me?
Why do I feel like I just anger him?
Why do friends not answer my emails?...especially ones i ask questions in... ?
Why do i feel cumbersome?
Why does no one tell ME thank you?
Why does no one consider the fact that I AM BROKE! NO REALLY! BROKE. NO DENERO! NESICITO LECHE Y NO DENERO! PIENSO QUE NO HAY ALGUIEN PENSAR SOBRE ME!
Why is it that my baby shower falls on a day everyone is busy? even though they knew a month in advance...hmmmmm
Why can no one watch MY kids when i need a little help?
Why doesnt anyone have the time to just talk to me?...to just have a real conversation...
Why does all of this bother me so much?
*SCREAMING*
Why does my neighbor feel the need to tell me that there are dead limbs in our tree?
Why does the friend down the road only drop off gifts when I am not at home?
Why cant my no just be no?
WHY DO I GET THIS EMOTIONAL TO BEGIN WITH!
Why do I have to comfort everyone else?
When do i get to be the needy one?
When will i be respected?
When will i get to stop fighting?
When will someone just say, I am sorry that is really horrible, or How can I help?
When will i be important enough to mention?...3 outta 4? come on people!
when do i stop feeling like shit

2 comments:

DAN BUCK said...

I'm often in the same place. And I'm often the cause of these feelings in others. And I don't know which makes me sadder.

I'm sorry you're there. And I'm sorry I've done nothing to prevent it.

Shane Alexander said...

You are loved--even if only God loves you perfectly. I want you to feel like you can share these feelings with us and I want you to know that we cannot help but share in your pain when you do. It hurts to know you're hurting. I admire your willingness to be transparent. We'll talk more soon.