So many thoughts are bumping around in my head. I haven't written in a while and my mind and spirit can tell. It is a sort of catharsis, or therapy even, to just punch out on the keyboard what my mind can sometimes not even categorize to file away.
So many things have changed in what feels almost like a whirlwind that I have no control or power over. I have a job. After 7 years at home I am now, once again, part of the working world. And WHEW had I forgotten what that world was like.
These last 7 years I have changed so much. I have confronted my abuse and found a way to deal and cope. I have removed temptations from my life in the safe environment of my own little nest, and found great relationship with and comfort from my Lord and Savior. But I had no idea how sheltered from the World I truly was. God gave me a gift that I wasn't even aware of til not. Not only was my home a nursery for my growing and developing children; it was also a nursery for mu growing and developing faith. It has been a definite culture shock to re-enter a society that does not know the God that I know as intimately as I do. It is truly surreal. But that is a post for another day.
On top of the culture shock, I am struggling with seeing my sweet baby girls less and less. That is really hard on both me, and them, and Jason. He is having to step up even more than he ever has before. He has to get both girls dressed and fed without me. He has been cooking dinner every night, bathing both girls and so many other little things that I cannot even keep up with. Like I said, thinks have just changed.
I could go on and on but here is the real reason I need journal therapy today. My body is under spiritual attack. Call me a religious fanatic, call me crazy, call me whatever but I believe what I believe, and alot of it the world labels as nutty. I always think of the song by Scott Krippayne:
"Some people tell me that i
look kind of funny
my nose is red and the braces don't work at all
say the clothes i wear are all out of fashion
i don't fit in and should be
shopping at a different mall
i studied classical piano
when i could've
been playing guitar
i used to drive an el camino
and i'm not even sure
i'm no cool but
my god loves me anyway
i'm not cool but that's alright
i'm still precious in his sight
i'm not cool but i don't care
i'm supposed to do my hair
i'm not cool but that's okay
my god loves me
it doesn't matter if i know
all the lingo
he doesn't mind if i'm not hanging with a certain crowd
some people still believe in building an image
but i am finding that's a
worry i can do without
i used to wish i was athletic
but football was
never my game
i made some friends in mathematics
but no one can spell my
he says that i am a one of a
and i don't have to try to be somebody else
he believes in me and
says i'm free to be myself
i can be myself"
I may not be cool, but I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that true evil exists and is around us every day. I know that our battles as Christians are not with the flesh but with principalities--spirits. I have been at war spiritually with alot of evil creeping around the corners of my new job. The kids have been brainwashed with lies that they will fail, they they should not try, with promiscuity, drugs, stealing, lie, lies, lies....oh so many lies. There is an extremely malevolent spirit of gossip with a very powerful stronghold on the staff at my job. In addition to the gossip, I feel the presence of an unhealthy spirit of comparison and competition. It is heavy and palpable. I pray against it every morning. God has asked me to fight on behalf of the kids...to stand in the gap and fight for them.
I am so very tired. I have called out these things and spoken the power of the blood of Christ over them and I am being attacked. I have had to go to bed every night this week by 7. I wake exhausted. My arthritis is flaring. I have extreme swelling that I cannot get to go away. My twisted vertebrae and bulging discs in my neck are killing me. I have pitting in my nails again from my psoriasis (they had been in remission) and now for the first time in 17 years I have a psoriasis plaque somewhere other than just in my scalp. I have a big, painful lesion on the back of my neck. I need prayer for protection, for healing, and for perseverance.
I want the love of Jesus to be seen through me. I want to be his vessel. But this body is an old broken clay pot.
Please support me in prayer.