Saturday, August 21, 2010

Bookings for WDTHTMAL interviews and signings

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Here it is 11pm and I am still up. Although this isnt late for most people I have always been one to need my sleep. As a teenager I was known to go to bed as early as seven--and I find myself now as an adult to feel my best when I hit the hay close to 10.
With that being said, about once a week I feel the overwhelming need to go to bed by 6 or 7 and sleep completely thru the night til the next morning.
I have a very lively and dependable wake up call around 7:30 each morning. It never fails me and never ceases to amaze me. Reese runs into my room, turns on the light and SCREAMS get up mommy, get up!
How can I say no to that. Well, I actually know how but it never seems to work. So like clockwork I am up every morning at 7:30 am no matter what time I turned in the night before.
I battle insomnia. This is my war.
I have fibromyalgia, PTSD and psoratic arthritis. A NIGHTMARISH combination.
The PTSD causes very frightening, very emotional and very real nightmares. Just recently I sat straight up in the bed, screamed, threw a punch and kicked my husband square in the leg all because of a dream. I can usually filter my world so that I get rid of my PTSD triggers but sometimes there is just no way around it. I have a hard time lately going to sleep because of the anxiety the nightmares cause. They are horrific.
I am also fighting the pain from the fibromyalgia which is amplified by the insomnia. It is a horrible, horrible cycle that I have yet to find a solution for. I take muscle relaxers (a staggering amount), pain medication (when needed), plus ambien--and still, for tonight, there is no relief.
I SHOULD be tired. I kept 4 children today. My own two plus a 3 year old boy and a 7 month old girl all while dragging this leg behind me. My knee is still recovering from the dislocation. I worked on things for 2 bridal showers today and promoted my book. My calves ache with pain. My left leg (the one below my blown out knee) has a very noticeable knot in it and is very painful. The rest of my body basically feels like I was hit by a mac truck. I have been having spasms all day. I am sure from the fibro. Eventhough I know what causes the symptoms it is difficult to get relief. Exercise usually helps me with the pain but my knee has limited my options until I get released by the orthopedic doc.
My arthritis isnt so bad tonight but I do have the constant dull ache in my left knee. I am certain it is from the old surgery 15 years ago plus the dislocation--add an infammatory form of arthritis on top of that and I am doomed.
I am trying to be positive. I am trying to push through the pain and frustration but I just want to sleep. I want to curl up, have my mind relax and just sleep. But here I am writing this and trying to stop hurting and not think about the possible 'dreams' that await me.
We will see what the night holds.
At least I only have my 2 girlies tomorrow. I can rest then if I fail to sleep now.
Dear God Please give me rest.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

15 years or more

I have been keeping 2 children, plus my own two, for about two months now. It keeps me busy and gives the family a little cushion come bill time.
It was August 3rd, and a usual day keeping up with 4 kiddos. Aunt Ruth's funeral had been that afternoon, and Jason took off work to go-I didnt know at that time it would be such a blessing.
The time was 3:50, just ten minutes until the mom of the two children was due to pick them up. Jason had just walked in the door. All of the kids were running around, screaming, and playing. The baby (6mo) was settled into the couch with her 'baba' and blankey, and I was running around gather up all their gear to send it back home with them.
Jason was in the master bedroom changing clothes and getting settled in. I had forgotten the babies shoes etc on the side table by my bed. I headed back to the master to get it all together. I rounded the corner into the room and WHAM! I didnt even realize I was falling until after I hit the floor. It happened so very fast. There was an oil-cloth bag laying in the floor. My foot caught it just the right way, and my legs slipped out from under me. I didnt even have time to react by putting my hands down to catch myself or anything and then...
that feeling...
I knew what it was immediately. That is NOT a feeling I will ever be able to forget and I HAD felt it before--some 15 years or more earlier.
I HAD DISLOCATED MY LEFT KNEE! It was on the stinkin side of my leg, just stuck there. My poor mangled leg lay twisted unnaturally underneath me, and all I could do was SCREAM! "MY KNEE IS OUT!!!"
I think I scared Jason to death. He saw me fall (he said I fell hard) and then the horror on my face when I realized what had happened.
I have shallow grooves in my femurs and it leaves very little room for my kneecap to rest. I dislocated it as a preteen/teenager and it had to be set by a physician at the ER. After that it popped in and out several times on its own--which led to a arthroscopic knee surgery.
So there I was, on the floor in excruciating pain with a mangled leg, 4 kids in the house, and a terrified husband. I did the only thing I knew that would bring relief. I put my hand on the side of my leg and FORCED myself to straighten the leg out. "POP!"
I forced my kneecap back into place and just sat there. My eyes blacked out like a 1950s television--the pain was unmeasureable. I just kept saying, "I am going to puke, I am going to puke".
The pain was so overwhelming that I actually became nauseous. That had never happened to me, even with the birth of my two girls. This was some SERIOUS pain.
Jason was now running around the house trying to rangle up and locate all the children. He couldnt find the baby--he didnt even think about looking on the couch.
I was still on the floor--in less pain now that the kneecap was in place, but still shaken and weak.
Jason located the baby, and called their mom to be sure she was on her way. She was about 5 minutes out. Jason came back to the master to find me still on the floor. He was now holding the baby and asking what he could do. All I could muster up the strength to say was leave me be, and I am going to puke.
I got him to bring me my phone and I called my GP. I knew it wasnt an emergency since I had relocated the kneecap myself, but the pain was very real (not stopping) and I wasnt sure what I needed to do.
The lady on the other end wanted to know if I could stand. I laughed at her and told her that I was still on the floor. I didnt know whether I could stand or not. She asked me if I could try and OH THE PAIN. I managed to get up and to the bed. After hearing me scream, they decided they wanted me to ice it, wrap it, and head their way. (I love my docs, it was closing time but they stayed open to get me in.)
At about this time the mom of the 2 kiddos rang the doorbell, and picked up her kids.
I got off the phone, Jason got back in his clothes, and we all headed to the GP.
Those sweeties had a whellchair waiting for me at the front door, and they got me right in.
Funny thing was that my admitting nurse was the mom of an old TCA student--small world. But it was good, talking to her helped me stay distracted from the pain. I got some xrays, nothing was chipped or broken, and doc referred me to orthopedic for the next morning.
Long story short, it was a basic dislocation. Doesnt look like anything tore or like I will need surgery--just 3.5 weeks in a horrible knee immobilizer.
It could have been so much worse.
I sit here now without my brace on looking at my knee bended over the side of the couch like nothing even happened and I am so grateful.
What if Jason had not come home early?
What if I had broken my patella?
What if a major ligament would have torn?
I stil lhave 2 weeks in the the immobilizer but I am so blessed. Thank you God for watching over me.

Friday, August 13, 2010

I am up on

GO check me out. Seems like my page on their saite is under constuction. I am hoping that pics etc get uploaded upon my official release date of September 12, 2010.