Here it is 11pm and I am still up. Although this isnt late for most people I have always been one to need my sleep. As a teenager I was known to go to bed as early as seven--and I find myself now as an adult to feel my best when I hit the hay close to 10.
With that being said, about once a week I feel the overwhelming need to go to bed by 6 or 7 and sleep completely thru the night til the next morning.
I have a very lively and dependable wake up call around 7:30 each morning. It never fails me and never ceases to amaze me. Reese runs into my room, turns on the light and SCREAMS get up mommy, get up!
How can I say no to that. Well, I actually know how but it never seems to work. So like clockwork I am up every morning at 7:30 am no matter what time I turned in the night before.
I battle insomnia. This is my war.
I have fibromyalgia, PTSD and psoratic arthritis. A NIGHTMARISH combination.
The PTSD causes very frightening, very emotional and very real nightmares. Just recently I sat straight up in the bed, screamed, threw a punch and kicked my husband square in the leg all because of a dream. I can usually filter my world so that I get rid of my PTSD triggers but sometimes there is just no way around it. I have a hard time lately going to sleep because of the anxiety the nightmares cause. They are horrific.
I am also fighting the pain from the fibromyalgia which is amplified by the insomnia. It is a horrible, horrible cycle that I have yet to find a solution for. I take muscle relaxers (a staggering amount), pain medication (when needed), plus ambien--and still, for tonight, there is no relief.
I SHOULD be tired. I kept 4 children today. My own two plus a 3 year old boy and a 7 month old girl all while dragging this leg behind me. My knee is still recovering from the dislocation. I worked on things for 2 bridal showers today and promoted my book. My calves ache with pain. My left leg (the one below my blown out knee) has a very noticeable knot in it and is very painful. The rest of my body basically feels like I was hit by a mac truck. I have been having spasms all day. I am sure from the fibro. Eventhough I know what causes the symptoms it is difficult to get relief. Exercise usually helps me with the pain but my knee has limited my options until I get released by the orthopedic doc.
My arthritis isnt so bad tonight but I do have the constant dull ache in my left knee. I am certain it is from the old surgery 15 years ago plus the dislocation--add an infammatory form of arthritis on top of that and I am doomed.
I am trying to be positive. I am trying to push through the pain and frustration but I just want to sleep. I want to curl up, have my mind relax and just sleep. But here I am writing this and trying to stop hurting and not think about the possible 'dreams' that await me.
We will see what the night holds.
At least I only have my 2 girlies tomorrow. I can rest then if I fail to sleep now.
Dear God Please give me rest.