Saturday, September 20, 2008

Chores

I remember growing up how chores were so terribly dreaded, but what was great about childhood was that there was someone there to MAKE you do them even if you didnt want to. I find as an adult that even thought I know something is the Lords will for me and for my best or for the goodness of my friends or family, I still have a problem with chores.

It amazes me how even things I love to do can somehow be manipulated by be it spiritual warfare or depression or pure laziness and in the end become chores.

In June of 2005 I weighed 145. That is a great weight for me and honestly, I like to have a bit of meat on my bones and feel sexy up to about 185. Two pregnancies later and I find myself hovering at a life time high of 250. WHAT! That cant be right...but sadly it is. I WANT change. I am NOT happy. But yet that desire to be healthier and better gets distorted into a chore and I find myself munching on junk food and 'forgetting' to work out. I even make excuses to myself, "well the kids were especially hard today and you deserve a break". Truth be told, they are ALWAYS difficult and if I allowed myself to use that excuse I would NEVER lift a finger. I want my body to be the Temple that God desires. I feel as a dissapointment and that I lose some level of authority because I have such a very visibal sin and weakness. I know gluttony and slothedness can not be good and are even wicked but changing that pattern becomes a chore for me. Someone hold me accountable! Someone tell the fat girl to run!

I just started a Beth Moore Study and I am excited about it and love the study and time in scripture, prayer and with God. But you know what, as I sat here tonight doing my study I had a very difficult time concentrating...and then it hit me...man, even this is a chore. I chose to do it. I enjoy it. I love the opportunity and material...so waht is the problem?

I love a clean house, especially sparkling clean floors. But for some reason I cant make myself do the thing that i KNOW would put me at ease. OK, you may think me nuts...but I would LOVE to clean my kitchen and hardwood floors once a week on my hands and knees for a really gooooood clean. A mop just never cuts it for me...and even though I know the results would make me so pleased and at ease I just couldnt make myself do it this week.

I love the look on Jason's face when he comes in from work and there is a piping hot delicious dinner on the table. One that I put time and thought and effort into. To me that is love. Not only do i partly see it as my job I see it as a way to communicate to him how much i appreciate what he does every day by getting out of bed and going to work so that I can stay home and raise our children. But at times that is such a chore. I find myself just wanting to get a boxed dinner, or sandwiches or not wanting to cook at all. Why? I mean, I know the result when I do it and I know it is a positive one....why is it a chore when the benefits are so great?

I also started participating in a formation group about 3 weeks ago and I love it and even getting prepared for that feels like one more thing to check off the neverending list.

I want to get to a place where living a Christlike life isnt a struggle. But you know, maybe that is the point. Maybe it never will be easy. Maybe every day I will have to make a conscious EFFORT to do the things that I know are right. Maybe that is the point...it isnt easy because you have to chose it and the flesh in us fights it.

Oh how I wish my flesh would die so that He could live through me.
Oh how I wish that which feels like chores would become play.
I wish I were close enough to him that knowing He desires these things in me and for me would be enough to hold me accountable...
But I am not there, I still need fleshly rigidity and support...

Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen , listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare (Isa 55:2)

Oh God You are my God and I ask you to bless me and this house so that we will desire that our souls will delight in the richest of fare in order to bring you glory.
AMEN

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