Thursday, March 12, 2009

Musings

I am sitting here this morning sipping my coffee, watching the rain and thinking. I have alot on my mind lately.
First and foremost is my commitment to Lent this year. I have given up sweets/desserts for 40 non-sundays so that I may keep the temptation of Jesus at the fore-front of my mind during this pre-easter season. I must admit that I have not been perfect in this endeavor. I have cheated at least twice that I will admit to myself. I try to rationalize it to myself as a weekday off instead of Sunday. I know in my heart that this defeats the purpose. I also try telling myself that God understands that I am NOT perfect as Jesus was...but still a part of me feels guilty and a part of me feels proud. Proud? Why? Well I see my use of sweets in a different light now that I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I am not tyring to make excuses for myself but I am trying to be realistic with myself. Sweets were an addiction for me...or I should say are an addiction for me. The cehmical reaction sweets cause in the brain temporarity eleviates some of the pain created by my disease by realeasing seratonin and other pleasure related neurotransmitters.
I eat sweets because I hurt. And being able to resist the temptation of temporary relief and the weight gain that follows is a huge step for me. I have not perfected it but I am on the track to do so. I am still trying to find ways to cope without self destruction.
Those of you who know me well know that I have another addiction. DIET DP! I love it. I hate to admit, but on a bad day I can drink up to, if not more than, 7 sodas. In researching Fibromyalgia I have found that one of the worst things for this disease is diet soda (because of the aspartame). So herein lies the second topic on my mind this morning. Not only am I dealing with one addiction, I am dealing with 2. Come to find out I have been using the caffeine, unbeknownced to me, to fend off what is commonly known as fibro fog (mental fog) and fatigue. I know stopping this cold turkey is the best thing for me but right now. I am just angry about it. Right now I just want SOMETHING to indulge in. Right now I just want a crutch. I know I know. Lean on God. I KNOW! But it is very very difficult to get to that place where your faith and your love for God can fulfil you physically. Sometimes I am there and sometimes I am not. Today I find myself sitting the fence.
I also need to change sooooo many lifestyle habits. I need to exercise daily but I am just soooooooo tired. My fibromyalgia is yet unmedicated. I am exhausted and sore and angry and want to break out of this shell of a body and be who I know I am without all these stupid physical boundaries. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM! I desire so much more. I desire energy, I desire stamina, I desire physical activity...but right now those things seem so very distant. I can barely make it through the day without a nap and when I do THAT seems like a major accomplishment.

I had the shakes yesterday. I know it is from the detox from caffeine and refined sugar products. MAN, it was miserable. I broke down last night and ate ice cream. I feel like a heroine addict looking for her next fix. (ok, maybe not that drastic but at times I THINK it is).
On top of all of this I am dealing with the recent self discovery that for my entire life I have built some sort of physical boundary to keep people from being attacted to me, because if I am attractive then I have to deal with all my sexual abuse baggage.
In high school I dressed like a carney 99% of the time. I was daring someone to love me through the madness of my clothing. Now I find myself wearing a different sort of clothing...WEIGHT! I eat to keep myself from feeling sexual. The more sexual I feel, the more attactive I feel. The more attractive I feel the more conscious I am that men look at me. If I can stay unattractive then no one will look at me and I wont feel uncomfortable from unwanted attention and therfore wont have to deal with my issues from the 11 years of molestation.
My mind is buzzing and this one verse keeps speaking comfort to me through it all.
1 Chronicles 28:20...I am praphrasing here.

Be strong and corageous and do the work. God, my god, will not forsake nor abandon you until the work on the Temple of the Lord God is complete.




Brick after brick I continue to build...knowing that one day my temple for God will be complete. And he will dwell in me forever.

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