Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Christmas Season Rules

As the Christmas season begins, I want to pass along these celebratory
tips. Enjoy the spirit of the festivities!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a buffet table knows
nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving chocolate peanut butter
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare .... You
cannot find it any other time of year. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an "eggnog-a-holic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As to the mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your appetite. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. And lots of it. Hell-o-ooo?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 7-pound plate of food and a tumbler of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies or pralines in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can
before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
requisite celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips
& start over. But hurry ... January is just around the corner. Remember
this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body. Rather, to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, A Coke in the other, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming,

' WOO HOO, what a ride!'"

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