Monday, January 7, 2013
Open Book: God is Good and Big enough to release me
I am and always have been an open book--transparent to my core, and at times, to a fault. Now is no exception. I have through all of my soul searching and healing always made it clear that I am NOT perfect and I DO NOT have it all figured out. That is still the case. I am not writing this to toot my own horn--On the contrary, I am wanting to give God the glory for two mind-blowingly amazing victories that He has blessed me with.
With that said, I will just shamelessly dive right in. I struggle with depression, PTSD, pain and so many more 'conditions' that I just don't even have the energy or desire to list them all. I do believe that most of these ailments have been spiritual warfare and attacks due to my desire for light and truth to shine into me and my life. If you know my testimony, you know what all I am referring to.
I have been on antidepressants off and on for 7 years, and my most recent stint on them has lasted a bit over 5 years. The last time that I came off antidepressants I was planning on getting pregnant for the second time, and worked with my doctor to gradually decrease my dosage over time so that I would not have any withdrawals. IT WAS HORRIBLE! I felt like I was detoxing from CRACK! I had horrible vertigo, nausea, headaches and was just overall YUCK.
I knew that sometime soon I wanted to try coming off my meds again but figured that I needed to wait til the summer when I didn't have students or job responsibilities so that things wouldn't be so rough when I started getting sick. FYI: The dosage that I was most recently taking was twice the dosage that I came off of before getting pregnant with Raeleigh.
Call me crazy--I am ok with that. But God DOES talk to me. One day 3 weeks ago He told me to just not refill my RX and to quit taking it. I have learned to listen (he took me off a 5 year relial on prescription sleeping pills for my PTSD cold turkey about 2 years ago). So I did what He asked, and then just kinda forgot about it.
I am proud to proclaim, as loud as I can from the rooftops, that my God took away my need for those medications and I had absolutely NO WITHDRAWAL OR SYMPTOMS OF ANY KIND! That is HUGE. It makes me think of that song "Only a Mountain" by Jason Castro and this mountain MOVED!
Now for the second amazing gift. I have become twice the woman I once was--and I mean that literally. I am HUGE and I am NOT ok with that. It is NOT who I am nor what I am about. I hide behind the weight for alot of reasons including that it is just more comfortable as a child abuse survivor to just not be attractive to men. Shocking huh, but true....raw and true. Well on top of that, even when I desire to change, all of those medical conditions that I have been cursed with flare and the pain (in the past) has been too HUGE of a hurdle for me to jump. Well not any more. My God took that away too. I am working out 45 minutes a night and there has been NO PAIN! I see light at the end of the tunnel and 2013 is going to be MY year to be ME again! I am so excited with the Hope and possibilities that this year is destined to bring!
God is Good! He is Always good.